There Is No If
by Tardling
Summary: This deal's with the regrets she swore she would never have, and is heavy with ShidoRiho moments. This is about learning, and loving. I'll continue, if so desired. (Chapter 4 uploaded, and limey.)
1. Five Hellish Moons

Disclaimer: I don't own NightWalkers, or any of the characters written about here within.  
  
--*--  
  
It's been years now. Eight, maybe nine and I've changed. Oh, no, perhaps not outwardly, but inwardly, I'm not the person I was. I never will be. I was just a girl once. Just a stupid, innocent, blissful girl, who found her prince in a man, but not just any man. No, no one's like Mr. Shido. He was a rogue, a dashing young brute who yearned for adventure, and still is very much the same, but as with all things, the lust for spontaneity withered. Maybe not for him, but for me.  
  
I still look sixteen, and I always will. I promised him no regrets, and still to this day, if he asks me, I just smile and shake my head, and then he kisses me on the forehead and goes on with his work.  
  
I cut my hair tonight, and have yet to show it to Mr. Shido. It doesn't matter; it will be back by tomorrow evening, growing as I sleep in the casket the two of us share now and then. It used to be, where we wouldn't sleep a night without being in each other's arms, but, like I mentioned previously, things change, and I wanted a coffin of my own.  
  
Now, as I stand out upon the balcony of our most recent home, for I couldn't stay in Japan. No, not without ever growing up, I ponder where I would be in life, if I had not become what it is that I am. An actress? A Painter? An accountant? A Singer? It doesn't really matter, but I long again for those days of old, when my friends and I would make our pretend movies, and we would joyously dance about, as if there were nothing but us in the world.  
  
I finger the lace of my skirt, simple, thin, and black, textured slightly. Yes, I admit, I dress older than I look. Long skirt, tank top, and cardigan, all black, always. I've become quite accustomed to the color, much to Mr. Shido's dismay. The only trace of childish left in me are my shoes, my horrible, old, beaten up Mary Jane's. They don't match my black ensemble, but I love them all the same. They shine with gray creases and dull black leather.  
  
God, New Orleans is beautiful at night. Our little apartment is wonderful, though a little small. It's as though the two of us, and Guni are living life through an Anne Rice novel. I like to take walks down Bourbon street now and then, just to make Mr. Shido worry, and to contemplate the words of the fictional character, Lestat. Though he may be a false creation, he has some very sensible things to say. I don't think I have the charisma for immortality, I don't have the stamina. I'm ready for children, for grandchildren, for old age with the one I love, but that's an impossibility now. We'll never age, never die. We're timeless, like a photograph, like a portrait. It doesn't matter.  
  
So, I swoop up my hair, and tie it into a short, messy bun. Yes, I think I'd rather have long hair then the choppy mess I've landed myself with for this evening. I trump inside, and grab my coat, disturbing Mr. Shido as he works on one of his many cases. He looks up, and Guni jumps of his shoulder, fluttering to me, and around my short hair.  
  
"That looks terrible." I listen to her remark.  
  
I smile at her, and whisper a snide little, "Be quiet, you." I begin to put my coat on.  
  
Mr. Shido gets out of his seat, and comes to Guni and I, and stares, simply gazing upon me as if I were a doll in a case. He slowly reaches up, tucking one of the short tufts behind my ear, and smiles fondly at me. I smile back.  
  
"It looks nice." He remarks. He's really a terrible liar, but then again, I believed every word he spoke to me so long ago, I have a mind to still believe him now.  
  
"Thank you, Shido." I reply, the formalities between us died long ago, but he will always be my Mr. Shido.  
  
I turn from him, and open the door with a click. He places a hand on my shoulder and my head makes a three-quarter spin to look at him. I can tell in his eyes, he doesn't want me going out, but there's something more there. He wants to hold me, to kiss me, to love me, and I want that too, but for whatever reason, these few past months, I've not been able to care for him outwardly. I've been closed up, withdrawn. God, how I want to grab him, and crush him to me, and cry. Cry away all my insecurities, and pain. Cry away all of my memories, and past names, but I don't move. I tell him I'll be home soon, that I'm going for a walk, and to not worry. I give him a smile, a rare, real smile, and I can tell he's slightly relieved. I say goodnight to Guni, and I'm off. Down the stairs, forget the elevator, and out into the desolate, lower part of town. The street is quiet, and I walk through the chilled night like I'm home. Like I've done this all before, because I have. I see in the distance, some children playing. It's a bit late, I know, so why are they out still? I see the ball they've been throwing back and forth rolls into the street, and without warning, the small girl runs to get it, but a car is coming, and it can't stop in time to save her.  
  
I run. I run like Satan's at my heels. Like Cain is after my head, and I get there just in time to shove the innocent child away, but it's too late for me. The car slams against me, metal meeting flesh, and I scream, as I'm smashed beneath it's front. The girl runs to the older boy, her brother I'm guessing, and I watch them run inside, screaming for their mother. The car driver gets out to look at his damage before dashing back into the driver's seat, throwing the old sports car into reverse, and speeding away.  
  
I can feel the blood pouring from me. I have many open wounds, I can tell with the night breeze touching them, and I count them. One, two,..eight. I can almost feel my gut spilling out, and my head is spinning. I can see the little girl dashing back out of the house, dragging her mother with her, and I smile at her, knowing that she'll be just fine. God, I'm so tired, and then it hits me. I'm immortal, but I have conditions, if I lose enough blood, I will die. There are limits, even for me, for a vampire.  
  
I squirm to pull myself from my pooling blood, but my shoulder's come out of its socket, and my ankles have been broken. I can barely move with my one good arm. It hurts, and I can hear myself squeal. My hair's in my face, and it shades my view, and finally, after dragging myself backwards a few feet, a collapse back down. I just can't do this.  
  
"Mr. Shido." I hear my voice whisper, and I fail to recognize my own fairytale. I close my eyes in anticipation. They say, 'blink and you'll miss it', and today is the day I wake up to realize my 25-year-long blink. I think about the cold glares, and whispered gossip. Who am I? The inexcusable.  
  
I opened my eyes, and I was being touched, saved. Thin, lavender hair, and a shrieking voice of a little green demon. I see him looking down upon me, and he reflects that of a wraith. Gaunt, slight, and terrified and I can see the sparkles in his eyes as he carries me away, back to our apartment. He'll save me, but, the question is, do I really want him to?  
  
--*--  
  
A/N: Well, I hope you all like the first installment of this little story. I'll continue on, if anyone wants me too. And I LOVE suggestions. R+R! 


	2. Innocence Lost

"Riho?"  
  
I open my eyes to the sound, the vague call of my name, and as my vision clears, Shido's beautiful, worried face comes into view, gazing upon me with the utmost love and sincerity.  
  
"Yes?" I answers, a little playful, a little groggy. He only frowns in return. I strain to get up, but find my body in complete odds with me, and a searing pain strikes through me, from my toes to my nose. I squirm back into a comfortable position, and though making no sound, I must have the hurt of my actions plain on my face, for Guni taunts me in the background.  
  
"Serves you right!" her high-pitched voice squeals. I guess it sort of does. Everything good has to have a bad end, doesn't it? I smile, and look back to Shido, who has not let up his frown still.  
  
"Mr. Shido?" My voice begins in a high, innocent tune, "What's the matter?"  
  
For a long while, nothing is said, and he stares at me, as I laid sprawled upon the couch, and he adjacent from me, in the chair from his desk.  
  
"Mr. Shido?" I ask again, and suddenly he stands in a huff.  
  
"You could have died, Riho!" he cries, his hands in the air. Guni retreats to a corner of the room. I struggle to sit upright, but I manage. My shoulder, and ankles are back to normal, but I'm missing blood. That's okay. It'll come back.  
  
"Calm down." I hear my voice whisper. And, I'm crying. How odd. How terribly unexpected. Mr.Shido has not realized, his back is turned from me, and he fumes.  
  
"CALM DOWN?!" he asks suddenly, spinning to face me, but then his mouth shuts, and he see's his mistake. He bites his lip, and comes to me, sitting at the floor below me, on one knee, as if a man proposing.  
  
"Riho." he whispers so whimsically, "What's wrong?"  
  
I cry harder, and louder, and throw my arms around his slender neck, hugging it tight, my chin on his shoulder, and then my head nestled in his nape as I sob. His arms snake about me, in the most innocent of ways, locking, and protecting me within his sheltered grasp.  
  
He's silent during the duration in which I cry, and a while after, as I we remain close to each other. I'm afraid to move away, but I do all the same, and realize the length of my hair, it must have been a night or two since last I was awake.  
  
Shido picks me up suddenly, and cradles me like a dire princess, carrying me to our coffin room. He walks to my tiny casket, white, and silver, and kicks the lid off of it with his natural grace. And as he begins his descent, in order to put me down, I grab his shirt, and stop him.  
  
"No," I whisper so quietly, I'm not sure if he can hear it, but he stops and stands erect, his eyes twinkling down upon me.  
  
"I don't want to be alone tonight."  
  
He smiles faintly, and turns to his other side, the black coffin large and master like. He does the same to it as he did to mine, and drops me in it with care. I pull off my bloody clothes, crusted and caked with asphalt and dust, and I lay there, naked, and free. He joins me soon, in the same fashion.  
  
He reaches for me, and holds me again in his arms, as I nestle to his chest. He begins to run his lanky fingers through my hair. It makes me feel safe, like it always does. I sigh to myself, and he pulls me tighter. I stretch my face up, and for the first time, in what seems forever, I kiss him, allowing him what I so often keep to myself now, and our kiss is powerful.  
  
--*--  
  
A/N: Yeah, that was A crap chapter, I've decided. Please R + R. 


	3. Suicide Bird

Shunichi's in town. He's finally become the famous filmmaker he always wanted to. I'm so proud of him. Shido knows too, he's been weary, and watching me carefully. He keeps telling me NOT to go to the premiere of his new movie, after all, that's why Shunichi's here. I promised I wouldn't, but it's been nine years since I've seen him, and God, how I miss him.  
  
I pull up my long hair, cut myself some suicide bangs, and straighten it piece by piece, slowly laying flat on my back. It's so much longer when it's not wavy. I like it. I paint my face with make-up, dark and brooding, and find in my drawer a brocade, Victorian styled corset, putting it on, tying it as tight as it will go, my bosom is pushed up, and my waist sucked in. I look like a Barbie Doll, and I like it. I add tight, black pants that are straight-legged and cut off just before my ankles, in a sort of industrial punk style. Adding my so loved Mary Jane's, I start for the door. I creep out quietly, Shido's out somewhere on some case, and Guni's busy in our small kitchen. It's better if she doesn't know I'm gone, she'll know exactly where I'm headed.  
  
I start to run, in the distance the vibrant beams of white light swirl in the sky, as if yelling, "COME OVER HERE!" I'm about six miles from the theatre, and I'm not sure if I'll get close enough to see Shunichi, but, I am a vampire after all, our kind is known for getting are way. I run faster.  
  
It takes me awhile, a little over a half an hour, and the place is swamped. The theatre, over run with celebrities and fans shines like a star in the night. It's so loud, and it nearly makes me wince, but I'm okay. Really. I see the famed red carpet, and the place where you're supposed to check in, to prove you're supposed to walk down it. I approach the little white cabana, and smile at the man with the head set, sitting behind the table.  
  
"Name?" he asks with a smile. I peer down quicker than he can catch and pick a random name for one off the list.  
  
"Sara Johnson." I reply to him, winking. I like this name; it's plain, and normal. He doesn't check twice, but hands me a badge, and I pin it to the top of my black corset. I wave goodbye to him, and head off.  
  
I see Johnny Depp a little way in front of me. He's in this film. It should be pretty good. Shunichi wouldn't make a bad movie, after all. Other actors and actresses, Angelina Jolie, and what not. They glimmer under the lights of the paparazzi.  
  
I take my seat, and watch the film, it is quite good, but, I don't glimpse Shunichi through the whole event, and I start to worry. As people exit the theatre, speaking their acclaim, I listen for his distinct voice. Nothing. I take my leave, beaten, and I think I'm crying. It doesn't matter.  
  
I fall back onto the lighted carpet, glowing and buzzing with fans. There are bodyguards here and there around a limo, and I look up just in time to see a tall, handsome man step into it. I know it's Shunichi.  
  
It starts to drive away before I can catch it, and I follow it as best as I can to a beautifully adorned hotel in the upper part of New Orleans, built in that plantation style. He steps out, and I strive to reach him, but the elevator closes just as I slip through the carved doors, and I run to the front desk.  
  
I demand to know what room Shunichi's in, and the concierge stares at me, turning her snooty nose up.  
  
"I can't give you that information. Please go." She says in some accent not natural to this part of the country.  
  
"Tell him that Riho Yamazaki's here to see him!" I cry at her.  
  
She rolls her eyes at me, but picks up the phone, calling up to the room. She talks for moments, and all of a sudden, a hand lands on my shoulder.  
  
"Riho!" I hear a voice cry.  
  
Stunned, I turn around, and Shido stares at me desperately. He knows why I'm here, and looks mournful, like I have torn out his heart.  
  
"Shido." I whisper back, this is where he must to come to meet with his lead on his latest case. I curse myself. He's the last person I want to see right now. And as we stand locked in each other's stare, the elevator door 'dings' and out of it I hear my name called again.  
  
"RIHO!"  
  
I turn my head, and I see a stumbling, over-joyed, older Shunichi stride towards me, and before I can answer his desperate call to me, he grabs me by the shoulders, and shoves his mouth onto mine, kissing me fully on the lips. Moments pass, his tongue juts in, and before I realize what I'm doing, I'm returning the kiss, and when I finally pull myself away, Shido's nowhere to be seen.  
  
--*--  
  
A/N: So, yeah. I'm in a rut. Sorry for the short chapter. Unless you readers feel otherwise, I don't think I'm going to continue this little 'Riho Saga'. 


	4. I LOVE YOU!

The door creaks shut behind me. It has a way of doing that, and I search the small living room, which is blessedly free of Mr. Shido. I take a deep sigh of relief, and see the rays of dawn string through the partially shut blinds. Sun doesn't really hurt us; it's just a nuisance. If I cover up, when I go out, I'm fine.  
  
I shake the thought away, and wring out my hair. It's raining, and I took a long walk on my way home, trying to work things out in my head. I gave Shuichi our number, and took his in return, asking him to call me next time he was in town. He looked so helpless as I ran out, without a goodbye. I couldn't stay and talk, not with seeing Shido's face in my head.  
  
I sighed heavily, like there was a lead ball in my chest, and shook my head, pulling the tie on my corset, air instantly filling my lungs. It went into the bathroom, and started the shower. My mind's racing, and it's as if I'm doing everything without thought. The water runs hot.  
  
The corset falls to the ground, my breasts free, and I inhale. The tight pants follow; red indents on my skin, as if my hips had been strangled. I slip off my shoes, and step out of the pants, thin panties following, and I stand there naked, staring in the mirror. I remember that I'll never change, or grow old, and I am sad, but I kick the thought away with my clothes, sliding into the corner, next to the door hinges. I glance at the bland white tiled bathroom as I climb into our shower/bath, and the water is perfect. It pelts my back, and I slip the curtain closed. It's a pale plastic green. The only real color. I soak my hair.  
  
A knock on the door breaks the calm, and before I can say 'come in', I hear it open and shut. The curtain flies open, and Shido's stands there, face grimly concealed of emotion.  
  
"Mr. Shido." I state in a whisper, and his eyes intensely trace my curves, as if he's never seen them before, and I know what he sees. A slut. And, his eyes still scope, and search. He begins to remove shirt, and I watch him wordlessly. What is he doing? He can't come in here! But my mind scolds me with it's other half. 'You've laid with him a thousand times, why wasn't it a problem then?' Yes, it's true, I have, but lay was really all we ever did. Shido and I have been together so long, but we've never consecrated the relationship. I never felt the need. Looking back, I think he always has.  
  
I'm shocked out of my contemplations, as he steps in, nude, and beautiful, hair long and free, sticking to his shoulders as the water pounds him. He slowly closes the curtain, his feet splashing in the water as he does so. Did I plug the drain?  
  
We stare at each other a long while, and finally, he moves, suddenly angry and distraught, his arms pinning my shoulders against the tile back- wall of the shower, and I shiver. I don't lose his eyes, however.  
  
"Do you love me?" his voice is desperate, but controlled.  
  
I stare at him, and say nothing. 'Yes, YES!' I want to scream. 'I love you, I love you! More than anything in the world, I love you!' But my voice won't make a sound, as the moment's pass, his head drops, and he releases me, reaching for the curtain slowly.  
  
For a moment, the world is still, I'm the only one breathing, or moving, and then in a brash motion, I yank his wrist, and his head turns, foot stopped in mid-step.  
  
I look at him with all the desperation and tenderness I feel. 'I LOVE YOU!' Why won't the words come? I'm so frustrated, my eyes begin to tear, but the water on my face shields them, and Shido won't know.  
  
All of a sudden, I'm against the wall again, but not because of rough arms. I'm there because of a rough mouth, which is harshly shoved against mine, his fingers tight in my wet hair, and his lips frantically craving mine. He motions are so animalistic, and severe, as if he's afraid he'll never get another chance at this. I feel his tongue in a fleeting moment, brushing against my tiny lips, and his kisses are feverish and repeated over and over again. He's in control, and he knows it. I jerk that control away from him, in a fleeting moment of passion, nipping his lower lip, keeping it in place, and I force his mouth open, but his tongue comes first in needful rushes. He's back in the driver's seat, and he's tormenting me. I grab the back of his head, forcing it down to my mouth, and as he grows closer, his most pressure of organs brushes against my leg, and I'm startled. I stop kissing him.  
  
Shido steps back, looking at me worriedly, as if he had done something wrong. He hasn't, he never has. I'm scared, that's all. I'm just scared, but I can't be scared forever. I trip him down, and he falls to the porcelain bottom, HARD, lying on his back, the water pounding on his abdomen.  
  
"Ow." He states, looking up at me, but I ignore him, and come down as well, laying my bare chest against him, my hips high above his, not allowing him near my core. I lay thin kisses along his neck, biting down once, and I hear his breath catch. I smile in my mind, and know that this is only the beginning.  
  
I rake my finger down his front, stopping at his hips, and kiss the spot over his heart tenderly. His hips buck against mine, but I sit back, and smile at him.  
  
"Riho.." he says urgently.  
  
There's a sudden knock on the door, "DON'T USE ALL THE HOT WATER!" Guni yells, and then flutters away, but this doesn't change the mood. Not one bit. I'm in control.  
  
Shido looks at the ceiling, chest heaving. "You're-you're torturing me."  
My face tightens in a smirk, "You could change that," I whisper, and so he does, grabbing my shoulder's and..  
  
A/N: Yeah, that was VERY limey. Sorry. Well, I hope none of you found that utterly lewd. Anyway, another installment is soon to come. (I have the lemony-fresh version this, but I don't want to post it, for fear of getting in trouble. If you want it, e-mail me a DeliriumsCry@hotmail.com, I'll be sure to e-mail you back with it.) 


End file.
